dozy_doats (dozy_doats) wrote in intr0version,

hello folks.

Hi, I'm an introvert in that my base in life is inside of me, not outside. I can live alone. I don't need "relationships" with people. Sharing things I do with others makes me feel like I'm "whoring out" rather than activating the thing. Most people like to share themselves and their accomplishments but the moment I have to share something, it starts to feel like I'm just a slave catering to other people's entertainment.

Not all introverts are shy and insecure, just like not all extroverts are confident.

I'm not shy. I could very easily give a speech. I'm fine at parties (they kind of annoy me though). I'm confident when debating or sharing my ideas if the opportunity arises. People don't scare me, if anything, I'm the one who's rather intimidating. My mom used to say I was a "bitch" even though I never gave her any problems and was always very quiet, whereas my extroverted sister is the one she likes more, despite the fact that she has caused more problems and done a lot of "bad" things.

Socially I just don't like the feeling of being watched and known and all that kind of stuff. In fact, it's very hard for me to even know if people like me or are pay attention to me, because it's turned out to be that in several situations I had gained attention and admiration that I had been completely oblivious to. It's very difficult to know where I am socially. Its almost as if I'm "blind" to it.

Along the same vein, it's extremely difficult to know when guys are interested in me. It's been revealed in the past that certain situations I was involved in where guys were present, that so-in-so or so-in-so had a crush on me, but I never even knew. It's probably the reason why I've never had any boyfriends, because I'm not ugly and I can cook. The signals they might be sending out never get to me. But then again, aren't they supposed to talk to you and stuff? I'll never know. Unless they tell me outright I'm pretty much blind to what other people think about me.

I don't like to consider introversion some kind of condition that is abnormal. It's a way of being that's perfectly valid and I don't want to be treated special because of it, or felt sorry for, or any of that. And I'm glad to be one because all the people I've known in my life who are "messed up" are extroverts. At least I'm comforted with knowing my source of being is within me, and not out in the unreliable world like those poor saps.

A question for others here would be, how do you get along online? I just started a livejournal, after years of very light activity on the internet. Every day I have thoughts about deleting this thing, it feels like a leak in my boat. I've even become mildly depressed at times, and "dry withdrawing" from life. I think I'm trying to make up for all that's being exposed here by climbing into a shell that I'm pretty much already in. Does anybody else have that problem? What do you think I ought to do?
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