cabaretic (iramoved) wrote in intr0version,

A bit of an introduction

When I was younger, I was very introverted.  I was so shy that I was practically mute.

But I was not happy.  I did not have the ability to speak my mind, nor interact with people.  When I was a child, I had one real friend.  I was so scared of humiliating myself in front of people that I my social interaction skills suffered.  Intellectually, I was miles ahead of my peers.  Socially, I was far behind.

When I was 16, I had the first in a series of total emotional breakdowns.  For the first time, I had the courage to speak my mind and interact with people.  I just didn't care anymore.   I wasn't scared anymore because I didn't really want to live.  I didn't really care what anyone felt:  good, bad, or indifferent. 

But I didn't really know how to communicate.  Lots of people who did not understand thought I was strange, weird, or creepy.   Our teenage years are uncomfortable and awkward, regardless who we are and whether or not we were popular.   As such, I found myself mocked, feared, and reviled.  And I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't resent the way I was treated.
Since that point, I have tried to advocate for people who do not have the courage, nor the inclination, nor the ability to speak out and feel understood.  I certainly know what it is like to feel utterly alone.  I want to be the sort of person for others that I did not have in my own life.  No one reached out to me then.  Maybe they didn't know how.  Maybe they were too wrapped up in their own concerns.

But I wish someone would have.   I have tried to keep myself honest and when I get too engrossed in my own private drama, I make a point to step back and do my best to inform and protect people.  I know that we all have free will and I know that some will heed advice, some scorn it, and some ignore it. 

But I feel as though I've accomplished something if I've made a difference in someone else's life. 
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